Trusting yourself over external validation

As dancers (and humans), it’s no secret that we are constantly searching for external validation – be it from teachers, directors, choreographers, or even our peers. Given the fact that our job is literally to ‘please’ others with our art, it’s understandable that we want to be seen in a good light, especially by those we look up to.

The pitfalls of seeking external validation

I think that our inherent competitiveness and comparative mindset stem from this and often lead to an “all-or-nothing” mindset – where if I am not the best, then I must be no good at all.

It’s because of this that none of us ever truly feel “good enough”.

While this desire for what I would call “constructive criticism” and validation can definitely have its benefits, it can also be so dangerous. Relying on others’ approval in order to be happy and confident leads to a lack of trust in ourselves.

I regularly get carried away with this search for approval. So often I find myself wanting to go and talk to my teachers after class to hear their feedback, hoping that they will tell me I’m doing well and improving, or what I can do to take my dancing to the next level – or honestly just whatever they truly think of me.

I sometimes catch myself purposely putting down my own abilities in front of my friends just so I can hear them say “no, that’s rubbish, you’re good/it wasn’t bad at all” – a hopeless attempt to boost my confidence.

Leaving my happiness in the hands of others takes things out of my own control, takes away my power. It reinforces the idea that others have to like me in order for me to like myself, to feel accepted and to be worthy.

Peoples’ opinions are so subjective and can constantly change and so it’s actually impossible to rely on someone else to tell you whether what you are doing is right or wrong, good or bad.

Trusting yourself: The key to confidence

Ultimately, it’s up to me – to us – to decide whether what I do FEELS right FOR ME, as an individual, and to trust myself. Everyone’s best looks different and so we actually can’t compare ourselves to those around us [more on this in future blog posts :)].

For example, I sometimes feel stuck as to what to work on to see improvement in my dancing. But, I have realised that committing daily to hard work and not giving up is what I really need. I didn’t need anyone to teach me this, nor could they have – but over time, I have learnt that deep down I actually do know what to do – what to focus on, I just have to trust that my instincts and choices are right for me.

I have realised that I am the ONLY one who can truly make me feel worthy. It takes doubting my abilities, even after certain accomplishments, for me to see this. This is not to say I never search for others true opinions of me, but I am working daily to trust myself, and be my own ‘cheerleader’, if you will.

As a matter of fact, I’ve found that when I give myself that validation that I so desperately want – by acknowledging my success and progress, trying my best everyday – the external validation comes naturally on its own.

It’s fascinating how the way we feel about ourselves is often mirrored by those around us. When we lack confidence and are filled with self-doubt, it’s as if we unconsciously project these feelings onto others, leading them to see us the same way. On the other hand, when we project confidence, it becomes a magnetic, and people are naturally drawn to us.

I am by no means saying that the key to feeling ‘good enough’ is to tell yourself you are – its a lot more complex than that, but I’ve truly found that believing in myself, my own knowledge and abilities, and trusting my body to tell me what is right, has really helped to improve my self-confidence.

Embracing your own strengths

Remember that you are in control of your own thoughts and feelings, and ultimately your own future. Trust yourself, believe that you are worthy, that you can, and that you deserve to be proud of yourself, and the rest should follow…